My new year resolution

1. Learn break dance.weee..

2. Master guitar

3. Save 4000 euro

4. Travel to Ireland.

5. Take on a part time job.

6. Be a more informed and organized person.

7. Be a better person, a better friend, like Yee Wen.

“The world is not the most pleasant place. Eventually your parents leave you and nobody is going to go out of their way to protect you unconditionally. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe and sometimes, pardon my language, kick some ass.” ~Queen Elizabeth II


This quote occurs to me today. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I can't become what it takes to protect the people i love. Am I dumb? sometimes,i felt strongly that I am only good at academic. Other than that, i'm good for nothing. I'm stupid, I do things stupidly, people view me as someone stupid. They judge and doubt me before i even get the chance to prove myself. I didn't even have the time to show them what i got. Maybe i got nothing. That's why they never accepted me. I just want to protect the people i love. That's all. I don't need to win everyone around me. I don't need to win the riches, earn more than them to prove that i am more successful than them. I just want my family and people i love to have a good time when be with me, and i can always solve their problems. i dunno how to man up.ohh how i wish i chud kick asses like queen elizabeth.2. So that I could be a guy someone can rely to. I really do.

可靠

话说我从来就没有工程师的梦。
建出什么发明什么，这些从来就不在我思考范围内。
可能我对玩游戏有兴趣。
可能对数学还算拿手。
但那些都不足以激励我，推动我
去拥有一个工程师的梦。
懵懵懂懂的，因为奖学金的关系，就来到了工程师这条路。
也不是特别喜欢，但因为父亲的关系，就来到了这里。
父亲是个很典型的旧时代思想的男人。
由于那个时代文凭难取的关系，
他们都还蛮尊敬专业人士。
父亲的希望，父亲对我的期待，是可以被理解的。
去咯

一路上，看到了对工程师充满梦想的朋友，
也看到了梦想破灭的朋友。
看到没兴趣，却不得不走下去的人。
也看到，一生只想为钱工作的人。
这一路上，我一直问自己，工程师，值得吗？
我不明白。为何我要读？
随随便便一个在工厂开工经验老到的技术人员，其实也代替得了我的位置了。
所以为何，要读？为何要当工程师？
如果为了钱，那当初选择商科不是很好吗？
如果为了国家社会，那为何不读法律？
究竟为何，要走工程系？

偶然的老友费话，和与姨丈的对话，
让我慢慢有了个模型。。
或许我们的存在，就是为了解决问题而存在的吧。
只是多数是机械电子房屋类的就是了。

持续了两个月的实习在Bangi的GMI,最常听到的名句，由那些讲师口中冒出的字，就是：“money！”
六名讲师，六张脸孔，六颗脑袋，六种思想，一种对钱的观念，一个对工程师的看法。
工程师，最重要就是赚钱！其他有工程师是你错的选择，因为赚的钱不够多啊之类的。
也有就是工程师是个非常压力的工，工多薪少。
听了就一肚子气。他X的，那你当初干吗选择当工程师？你没好好调查的吗？
难道人生除了钱，没有别的了吗？难道我出生的目的，是为了赚很多很多的钱，存起来，直到要死的那天，再捐出去，就完了吗？那我来这世界干吗？
他们消极的话，没使我放弃这条路。我反而更火。

工程师，听起来粉沉闷的。
事实也是如此吧。
不过对我来说，更重要的，是一个可靠的感觉吧。
我想成为一个可靠的人，一个不管人家有什么事，我都可以帮得上，
有什么问题，我都可以解决的人。一个大家信得过的人。
一个我的家人，可以依靠的孩子。不管他们有什么问题，我都可以罩着他们的人。
科技越来越发达，谁掌握了科技的知识，任他天马行空，你也得相信他。
所以。。我想成为一个可以保护人的人，
保护家人，别被伤害。拥有知识，拥有力量
我想这就是为何，我不直接去工厂当技术人员，升级当工头，
而是读工程系吧。
我没有太大的本事。
我只想用我小小的手，保护我珍惜的人就好。

一个人的世界

过了那么久，始终还是不习惯一个人的生活。
单身的生活，没想像的那么如火如荼。
一切是平淡的。。
一个人的可乐，
一台电脑，
就是我的假期最好的良伴。

每一夜，都得被寂寞的思想吞噬。
常常会幻想着我被全世界的人唾弃，
这世界，是没有人关心我。
第二天醒来后，刷个牙，很清楚的又告诉自己，
“想多了啦。”
对啦，不是没人管你，
只是自己比较习惯一直有个人，
很特别很特出的无时无刻的关心。
这样反复的过日子，
也过上了一段时间。
到了至今也没特别改善，不过是现在有了那美国时间，
坐下来静静的思考，
然后发觉这种现象，记载了下来。

到此，忽然想起了个问题，是在今次的假期当中被那两个死人头问倒的。
既然这么爱她，当初为何离开？
。。。。。。
是移情别恋吗？
我想是的。
可是结果呢?
其实也不是真爱。
难道我骨子里，没有好好爱人的基因吗？
说实话，这也是近期才发现的。。
我有。。可是不可以乱释放。。
要选对。。因为不小心爱深了，
会很死。。
哈

and now i know how it's like,to be aside.

i hope i could take a ride,

go to somewhere else,where i won't even ever need to hide;

so i don't have to hide from the stares shoot upon me by whoever i care when i cried.

we both cried.you cried out of guiltiness, i cried out of love.

we cried for the same reason,just a different time.

i hope i could undone,the pains that i had done.

but scars had been made, memories turned into a beast,

eating my inside, and that's the day that i realized,i deserved it.

i'm sorry i made you worry.maybe i should've cried alone,

eat up all this alone,so that you could enjoy your life alone.

don't worry, i'm ok.i'm really ok.told you i'm ok.go and have a goodnight sleep,

and tonight is another night,where i told myself not to cry anymore,and really have a good sweet sleep;

guess i never know how to control my emotions.

how to keep my soul away for people who i care

so that they'll never be hurt by me.

在一个无聊的夜晚，写下的事情。

哈哈。。真搞不清自己为何想到的都是英文字。。

My oath

This is the last time I'll stay up overnight, to ease my pain.
It makes me feel pain.
The hot weather numbs my feelings.
How many nights had passed?
sleepless night.
wearing out myself.
my soul,
and my body.
and yet, I still can't feel the release.
so captivating
i'm drunk in past
with full of imaginations and possibility,


Throwing thorns on others,
when I'm still wearing the thorn crown.
The pain i should wear,
Eases by imagining the others wearing it,
when I'm dangling around with it.
showing off around,
fooling around,
laughing around,
with my wicked crown.
Hell yeah i love my crown.
hang it around without a frown...
without hearing her sound.
just trying to hurt,
hurt everyone else...
how i wish i could sleep once more...
why i couldn't just have a sound sleep...
can't i stop another recollection?
or i just doesn't have any choice anymore?
to face my mistake
i wish i could have run
just trying to hide.
all by myself...
on my shoulders.

heads are blowing with dreams,
sweet dreams resembles the worst nightmare
when what suppose to be there isn't
can I start again?
can i go back and undo this?
I just have to stay,and face my mistake,
when i get stronger and wiser,
i'll get through this...
I have to start forgetting these
and how many times will it take for me
to get it right?
all on my shoulders...
my best intentions are the poison
my ignorance are the remedy
well if i get stronger and wiser,
i'll get through this.
If i get stronger n wiser....
just wanna have no more mess...
but how many times will it take?
to not hurt anymore...
and to not be forgotten.
sleepless night worn me out
but at least it eases the pain..
but this is the last time...
to be sleepless...

单身汉就要爱自己

这是这个星期以来影响我最深的一句话。也许剩下来的，也就是自己吧。
要让别人爱自己，首先就要爱自己。
照顾好自己的身体健康，
打扮得体面一点，
充实自己的人生。
也许这些就是我这个有空的单身汉，
可以做的事情。

回忆录

回顾过去的生涯，我真是做错不少事情。最甚的是，来到现在了，我还是不停的在做错。每一次的错误，都让我明白到，我必须改，可是每一次我还是犯错了。是自我控制不够好吗？我想肯定是。。

看看以前做错的事，还有对不起过的人。。说错的话。。伤害到的人。。总是让我捶胸顿挫。做不成了的朋友。。
还有身边的朋友。。随着时间逝去，我渐渐发现到我越不自爱，反而我越在乎的人会逐渐远离我。。不在乎的，反而会显得很支持我的现状。原来我不自爱，再也不是我一个人的事了。和家人的关系也变得差了起来，更别说朋友。。。原来人事关系，不是私人的。而朋友家人，更不是可以公私分明的机制。

偶尔找回一些老朋友，不过才发现到，有时候，大家已经没朋友做了。也没什么好说的。

嗯。。夜了。。是时候睡了。。还是必须说，对不起。。

唉。。是我的问题吗？

唉。。。唉。。坐了好几个钟的巴士，来到了寂寞孤独又没人的房间。。实在是讨人厌。。这么早回到，却没有一点活动，说实话很是悲哀。。加上我真的不能寂寞。。我会疯的。。回忆会吞噬我。。
唉。。之前还烦恼没有题目来借题发挥博博客，现在可好了。。真的有题目了。。
是我的问题吗？为什么要骗我呢？其实你都已经知道，你会去中国了吧？为什么要答应我，之后让我安排了一切之后，自己才发现到，原来你到中国了。。
可能这只是小事吧。。可是如果不是约好晚餐，我也不想这么早回到这个地方。。很寂寞。。
是因为以前我放你飞机，所以你想放我吗？还是因为你不爽我有时拒绝你邀出来，所以这样玩我？是你真的很讨厌我吗？还是你根本就没把握放在心上？
不是介意被放飞机。。可是介意的是原来你放我飞机，却连让我知道的意思都没有。。感觉上我只是一个不重要的人，你让我感觉到，我比你的印尼工人还不如。

我知道我自己时常迟到，放飞机。所以我尽量改着了。无法赴约，就算会惹你生气，不想或不能去，都会很清楚的告诉你。。这样至少不会放你飞机了。。
迟到也好，上到了这里，我尽量减少了。至少通常赴你的约，迟不了。。
可能我沟通还是安排都还有问题。。
可能你忍了很久，忍无可忍了。。
但我只是真的很迷惑。。

这次你爽约，是我的问题吗？我真的需要一个答案。

国家事不能不理，因为没有国就没有家。

这道理听起来好像很通俗，其实懂的人寥寥无几。

而当中最不了解这道理的，

就是那些整天臭骂马来人，歧视马来人，却忘了自己连净选盟是什么都不懂的华人。

其实不是很想在部落格谈世事，原因是每当自己在这里写时，

就会更深刻的感觉自己的无能和无助。

看着大马五十万人不畏暴政，却不忘保持自律，

即使面对他们那种暴力的对待，也还是不打闹，让场面得以控制，

不由得深刻感受到这场聚会是真的胜利了。

可是令人不得不忧心的是，我国还是充满了那种连净选盟是什么都不懂的国民，

还是有很多只懂得吸取单方面资讯的人民，一昧的相信着那被垄断了的单一媒体所播放的错误讯息，而不去真正的探讨事情的真相的人。是教育出了问题。。

我们的教育制度，习惯了填鸭式的方法。老师说的就算，老师错了，也是对的，因为他是老师。

这造成了人民习惯了很单方面的吸取知识。这相比起外国的教育方针，注重学生自个儿的探讨知识，实在是有过之而不及。

另一方面，我国也有很多“高谈阔论”的“志士”。怎么说呢？

这些“志士”们，将在当一群朋友谈起政治时现身。这时他们会化身为政治的知识达人，他们分析的能力过人，口头禅是：“那些马来人。。”。。“政府是这样的啦。。”。。"哎呀，他们很贪污的。。”。。

他们的“词汇”一流，因为懂得用一些通俗的词语如贪污，不过他们的知识有限公司，再进一步的探讨事情由来和当中的真相时，就会原形毕露。他们挽回面子的借口最高明，那就是：“我对政治没兴趣的啦”。

不过这次的聚会，证明了我国还是有很多很多会去付诸于行动的人民，而更欣慰的是，三大种族都聚在了一起。大家都有一个共同的目标，就是要一个干净廉正的选举，争取我们自身的权益与自由。一王当权的时代已经过去了，现在是一个民主的时代，而民主的基础，不就是拥有公平投票的权利吗？而历史也验证了，自由，是要争取的，是要付出代价，要流血流泪的。

也是很惭愧自己没法现身在场。。

Graphs

Life is but a bunch of graphs. From the smallest force you exerted on something,
till the fate of the universe.
You control every variables you can, hoping that everything turns out as you expected.
You manipulate one of the variables, and the world will respond you with a responding variable.
After experiencing stuffs, you construct a table, plot a graph, take a good look at it.
And found that stuffs doesn't really work out the way you want.
But still you keep experimenting.......

Friends are like an exponential graph.=).You got a bunch of friends initially.
As time pass by....it decreases slowly,slowly and slowly.....
but the good thing is, it never goes to zero.It approaches, but never will.

Now here comes the constant graph...for family!as the number of your family members remain relatively constant throughout the time. and they don't really leave you most of the time.
Just hoping that they stay by me all the time.

意气风发！

看着朋友们在外国的照片，心里有说不完的憧憬。

距离梦想的日子，既遥远却又接近。

教室里那忙碌的节奏，

单调的语调，

那晕头转向的日子，

那睡不够的日子。

随着时间，开始接近尾声了。

取而代之的是各自为政的沉默。

可以很忙碌，

也可以很轻松。

可以很压力，

也可以很放纵。

反正不管你用什么态度去面对这一切，

这一切将会结束。

不管你愿不愿意，

一切都会接近尾声。

曲终人散，

留下的，

是谁呢？没有人。

大家都只是各自生命里的过客。

要说留下的，就只有永不褪色的

回忆先生。

但是有谁会珍惜这些回忆呢？

我不懂。。

刚来这里时，我真的很讨厌这里的生活。

这里真的没有大学生应有的生活。

而周围的人，根本就没有一个称得上是朋友。

我很寂寞。。那时真的很寂寞。。

总觉得世界都在跨了下来。。

笑话没人明白。

想法没人明白。

还总是被一些讨人厌的家伙搞砸心情。

好在，还是遇到了，同调的朋友。

至少这里有霸道的仁汉，

有好玩（这里的好玩，意指娱乐价值很高，像玩具般好玩。）的david，

有骄傲的vincent，

有烦人的力豪，

有沉默但是有男朋友的慧佳，

有好玩的彦，

有壮的soo，

有基的khang sheng,

有打dota的鸿健，

还有，有代沟的yiao...

谁说我撑不下来

我还是撑下来了

而且，还获得了更多。

庆幸，我来到了这里。

否则我也不会遇见你们了。

时间慢慢流逝。。

得到的，却也不少。=)

numb

tired....

and numb....

i guess all those works are bugging me too much.

sometimes.

being mean is the best thing for the others.

even it sounds strange.

bread.

It feels so good...

my hand kneading the dough...

the flour and the water..

how amazing, and yet how accurate one should be..

with the correct proportions of ingredients, you could make something incredible.

yet with a slight mistake of the ingredients,

things would started to collapse..

i never felt myself so full, so filled with energy, when i started to knead a dough.

i suddenly realized that that's what passion are for.

to fill u with unlimited energy.with infinity energy.

so that i would never feel tired of doing it.

so that i would hop on and started my work as soon as an order come.

i love baking.

i love bread.

that's what i really realized today.

that it is my dream.

i loved it...till the end of my life.

laugh all you can.

cause it is something u'll never understand.

make fun of me,

mock me.

next time, i wun give a shit to it.

cuz u'll never understand.

you tot of money,

tot of career

i thought of what would make me keep on going for my life.

you got your well taken-cared life

i got my screwed up life to mend.

stop commenting my life,

cuz ur's isn't much better

owning a car,

doesn't gives you the power to continue living.

who lived the longest,

who managed to hold and laugh till the last,

is always the true winner.

screw u,not me

Love

I grasp u hard..
Not letting you go.
Wish you could read my mind right now.
and feel my heartbeat
maybe you won't know how i felt...
I wish you feel how i felt.
Hold me tight.
it's not like i could see you every night..

What is past is past.
Memories are meant to be cherished
i felt guilty
It's not an easy choice.
but it's worst if i hadn't made this choice.

Walk forward...
there's not much left in the past
living in the past kills
there are much awaiting me in front
why still clinging on something that is so vague and illusive?

yeah,past is awesome.
but hey,the future shines too.
and somehow...it shines better than the past.
what is shining in the past,started to dim..
and there's no point looking back.
Past are memories.
cherish it,that's all.nothing more should be done.

我